Alright guys, take a knee, let's rap for a second. I'll be Linda Ellerbee and y'all be the kids that sit on the tops of couches (with their shoes on!!! ).

I'm just going to go ahead and say what everyone is thinking and no one who was ever a fan of likes on Facebook is willing to say. Unless you're a elasmobranchologist (aka sharkologist), marine biologist or a pirate with a hell of a debt to settle, you do not care about sharks. Sure, if you're hitting up the Natural History Museum (preferably the Smithsonian one, memory serves that they had one rad sea exhibit*) you'll have genuine interest in the facts that sharks rarely get tumors and that their skeleton is made of cartilage. But other than that, you're generally indifferent to sharks. If we're being honest with ourselves, you think about sharks maybe three times a year. Once during a the mandatory clip of Jaws in whatever Oscar montage is happening, once when you remember the stellar SNL sketch "Landshark" and lightly chuckle to yourself, and finally, when Shark Week rolls around. And then everyone and their mother is obliged to acknowledge this event by status'ing, tweeting, or water cooler referencing...

Now, this isn't to say this is some kind of hipster diatribe where I claim that I liked sharks before they were cool. I, like yourself, have no opinion on sharks either way. Sharks are whatever. Just do your thing, sharks. Do you.

But we cannot deny that the popularity of Shark Week (and in turn, Sharknado ), was founded on irony and born out of one of the greatest one-liners of all time.** And show of hands, really, who has actually been watching Shark Week? And now, who has actually been watching Shark Week not high? There should only be one or two hands still up, and those people are probably Australian ex-pats who used to have to worry about sharks. Shark week is mandatory viewing there so the country can remain vigilant against their number one threat. Sic Semper Sharkus.

Anyway, I'm just tired of the lies, y'all. Shark Week could be respected in some circles for actually having educational content on a channel that is supposed be educational (current airing shows on Discovery Channel: Amish Mafia, something called Airplane Repo). Yet all this tom foolery has lead to the shark themed shows called Sharktweeto, Voodoo Sharks, Top Ten Sharkdown and something I initially read as I Survived Jews, but it was actually Jaws. Just go home, Discovery Channel, you're drunk.

Bearsharktopus should be on Shark Week. Worst oversight ever.

Shark Week Is Not Awesome, Stop Lying