Scandal Recap: Ride Sally Ride

Guys. Scandal is back.

Last night's episode wasn't a great representation of what the sentence "Scandal is back" can mean. When I hear the sentence "Scandal is back" I expect, at the very least a murder, a horrible betrayal of trust, two solid minutes of Kerri Washington pout face, someone wearing a jaunty hat and a several sly mentions that the President is good at oral sex. We barely even got to see sex on a desk this time. Scandal, next week you better open up with a scene of Oliva and Fitz boning in a helicopter flown by a drunk Mellie or I don't even know what to think about you anymore.

Anyway, Ride Sally Ride started out with Mellie's frantic running, which is very similar to me running to the office bathroom at around the 10:30 AM mark after a big cup of coffee-

I hope that the first shot's dedication to Mellie is a sign that this latter-half season will be all Mellie Grant. Of the three HBIC's in this show (Olivia, Sally, Mellie), Mellie is the only one that isn't completely controlled by a man (Olivia, Fitz, Sally, Jesus or the Devil, depending on the moment). The white hat is out, the jewel toned tailored dress is in. Take note, ladies.

The great drama of the episode and cause for Presidential day drinking is the fact that Vice President Sally is running against Fitz because LIBERAL COMMIE HORROR SEX TIMES while also staying in the office as Vice President. I would guess the vibe of the white house is similar to when you and your roommate got into that fight over you eating the rest of her yogurt and her deleting Trading Spaces off the DVR without asking you. Those were some dark times. Things really haven't ben the same since.

ANYHOO this plot line isn't that interesting to me unless of course Sally actually becomes the president, ipso facto the Devil will be the president. I mean, there's already a bunch of demons in Congress, ammirite you guyz. 

Sally's going to die right? I only say this because her presence on the show is mostly moot. It introduced us that guy - I don't care to know his name because I call him Hairpiece and the only remarkable contribution his character makes other than commenting on Cyrus' poor decorating taste is this fantastic face destined for every Reaction GIF collection from here until the explosion of the internet. 

But I suppose we should focus, if only briefly, on Olivia Pope and her new curious habit of holding purses directly in front of her and switching out her beloved cashmere for favor of thick tweed fabrics. It's almost like Kerri Washington went and did something stupid like getting knocked up with some kind of spawn that will assuredly have the best cheekbones on the planet (next to Benedict Cumberbatch's cheek bones). Hopefully the father isn't in fact Benedict because an old gypsy woman told me that the sign of end times is a human being in the shape of a beautiful biracial cheekbone. I just think it would be pretty shitty if the world ended and we never got around to finding out what happened to Desmond. Hey guys, remember Desmond from LOST was on this show?! WHAT HAPPENED TO DESMOND?! IS PENNY OK?!

If I'm being completely honest, I'm really loosing hope in Olivia this season. She was once a strong woman who only occasionally cracked under her deep love for Fitz and getting gone down on. (Is that the correct tense?) But now, sweet baby Jesu she can't stand up for herself to save her life. Apparently all you need to do to get Olivia to do what you want is be borderline rape-y and abusive. Just kiss her to shut her up, the more she struggles against you, the more you know it's working. ROMANCE.

Of course it's no wonder her life lacks healthy male relationships. Can we talk about how uncomfortable and insane her daddy time was in this episode? What started out as a lovely trip to a National Monument resulted in a father talking about his daughters sex life and reassurance that he was going to kill the president. Next time your parents get on your SO just remember: your boyfriend is not the married president and your father is not the sociopathic head of a spy organization and the two of them have not discussed the way you taste (EW.) and the two of them aren't attempting to murder each other. Remind your mom of that next time she makes some comment about your boyfriend's "music career."

There was a time when Olivia was calling the shots, but that time has passed. Now there are rules and responsibilities Being the President's aid/mistress/lollipop comes with quite a particular list of requirements. One includes also having a fake relationship with new head of Spy Town Jake Ballard, which is kind of weirdly incestuous if you think about it too much so stop thinking about it. I SAID STOP. 

Grossness aside, how awesome would it be if someone just put together a list of highly successful and powerful men and was like "pick one." That's my Mellie! As mentioned, Mellie has proven herself to be the only bitch holding the fort down. Expertly planning a laugh-and-wine lunch with Olivia and continuing to call her "My Husband's Whore." If Mellie was real and she ever bought a boat, I would practically insist it would be called the USS My Husband's Whore. 

Also, did anyone else notice that there was a full table with food and wine but no one sitting at it? GHOST DINER, THURSDAYS ON ABC!

And if we needed more evidence that this latter half of a season is all about Mellie, the replacement VP, BoringFace Nichols is clearly an old flame who is obsessed with her - a perennial bachelor because he missed his chance to be with the only woman that he loved. If there was one thing this show was missing, it was sexy adulterers with patriotic outfits. I demand desk sex!

Honestly, the action outside of the White House wasn't any more interesting. Bullet points include:

You've all been so patient, it's time for a treat. How about some vague sexy-murder-type backstory?

So Harrison "borrowed" a gun to protect him against some person named Adnon (?) who killed his friends in Abu Dabi. Turns out, she's a sexy chick! If I know anything it's that when face to face with your potential murderer, you take that murderer and fuck her on a desk. In the world of Scandal any kind of danger can be negated with bangin'. Sex is a weapon, y'all. Another reason to use protection. You know, Trojans are considered warriors too.

Next we have Quinn, shopping with her adorably bloated serial killing boyfriend. I don't really know what's happening with this plot line other than the fact that Quinn probably has a great dentist and that I need to see more of Huck because for some reason Huck is the hottest person on this show. I still by and will defend that comment for as long as I shall live. I am indifferent toward Quinn but if I have to see more of her to get me some Huck action, I will be totally fine with this. 

And who is THIS BITCH other than a white version of Olivia Munn on The Newsroom? I don't know about you but if I were were and started getting mystery texts from a guy named Publis (HAHA IT LOOKS KINDA LIKE PUBIS/PUBIC), I would immediately assume it is Anthony Weiner. Dick pics are imminent. 

I mean this is Scandal. Danger and sex go together like... danger and sex. Those things go together. All the time.

Finally, in a show filled with really messed up couples, tonight's winner is the Beene family. In a show like this, being the unhealthiest couple is quite an accomplishment. It's been about a season now and all I can say is "OH MY GOD, GET A DIVORCE ALREADY." Who likes that guy Novak anyway? And who is watching that baby? Who will care if Cyrus ends up killing his husband? The answers to all of these questions is "nobody."

All around, I was not impressed tonight's episode, but mostly because it pretended to be an actual show instead of the constant WHAT-THE-FUCK-IS-HAPPENING-OH-NOW-THEY'RE-HAVING-SEX marathon that I know and love. 

I am optimistic about the Mellie era but I also really need to know that Olivia is finally gonna get her shit together and stop making that face all the time. You know the one.... Yeah, this one:

CUT IT OUT, DAT AIN'T CUTE. Nice lookin' cheekbones though.

To conclude, I'm going to rate this episode a C+. The grade can be improved with more Huck, more Mellie, and less horrifyingly sexist depictions of women in love.