I was promised THE MOST SHOCKING, PANTS-SHITTING THIRTY SECONDS EVER at the end of this episode. I’m not going to say I didn’t shit my pants, but if I did it was definitely because I had some leftover thai food and not because of the so-called “shocking” ending.*

I get the distinct feeling that even Scandal doesn’t know where it’s going these days. Call it the junior year crisis. This season is hinged on Fitz’s reelection and frankly, nobody cares if Fitz gets reelected. By all accounts, he’s a pretty terrible president. Take a note from Clinton, bro, if you’re going to get busted from extra-marital affairs, you do it in your second term.

Moreover, why does Fitz even want to be president? All he wants to do is fuck and drink. Don’t get me wrong, it’s an excellent goal that I strive for every day but I’m also not running for president (YET?). I suppose, in my world of fictional presidents, I prefer one who is making epic speeches against aliens rather than someone that seems like a lame duck during his first term. But what do I know about politics? I didn’t even know that everyone is a murderer. Except for the whole Sarah Palin killin’ turkeys thing. That was awesome.

I suppose that attempting to think about the actual politics in this show is a lesson in futility. This stuff doesn’t actually happen. But when you use politics to explain your plot momentum, it gets a little frustrating. For example; Cyrus’ incredible overreaction that if Sally were to confess to murder causing everyone to go to jail THE GREAT AMERICAN EXPERIMENT WOULD FAIL. I’m not saying it wouldn’t cause a mass shake up (Congress could use a little shake-up, amirite), but by this standard, I would assume a kill shot to the Vice President’s face during a debate would also freak everyone out to the point of said hysteria. I’m almost offended that Cyrus has so little faith in our republic that seeing political leaders in jail would cause us all to loose our minds. We kinda wanna see that anyway, AM. I. RIGHT. AGAIN. And if you’re going to tell me that there isn’t at least one homicide cover up in the White House, I will eat my jaunty white hat.

I’m just a little disappointed that the Crazy Sally plot line lost momentum. There was so much potential there for her to just go apeshit. Did anyone else like the direction she was going in the practice debate? Political speeches need more religious condemnation. I want her to start speaking in tongue like Anne Heche did that one time. Maybe she can get stigmata! Or start carrying around snakes! These are all free ideas Shonda. You can hire me later.

I really do hate to side with Quinn, but seeing the paper selling process at B6-13 is mind numbingly boring. Spy’s goin' spy. Especially Quinn, cause the more she spies, (I assume) the more we see if my sweet, sweet Huck. Also, if she’s going to be a badass instead of an annoying ruiner of things, it should happen sooner rather than later. Oh, and for the record, whining, snark ≠ cool, sexy spy.

I also don’t want to see Jake’s struggles with taking over the helm of B6-13. Really, other than Olivia’s dad being a crazy psycho, what’s the matter with this organization? If everyone is a murderer, I don’t see why all of a sudden we have to shit on government assassins. They’re just doing their job, you guys. They have to bring home the bacon. Boy, there's a lot of pork references today.

And OF COURSE I don’t want anything bad to happen to David Rosen (James I could care less about) but isn’t it always that way? The Lord giveth a healthy relationship and the Lord taketh away that character because no one is allowed to be happy ever. Scandal may not have realistic politics, but their doomed relationships really hits the nail on the head! (Buries face in pork belly sandwich, starts weeping)

And that was this week's Scandal. Stay tuned next week in which every character you already hate gets worse and Olivia cries a lot because WARRIORS.

*I didn’t really shit my pants, you guys.

Scandal Recap: No Sun On The Horizon (aka Murder Party)